-No body is smiling...I keep thinking more or less when I was a little gay boy adults seems more friendly let me tell you I wasn't. I was timid and my hormones were kicking delay from my male side so lots of unconscious bulling at school's lunch break and around the corner of home by the antigona group of kids from the block were I spend beautiful evenings playing with my friends day after day after day.- I am sitting here in this office where I have being waiting nearly two hours; barely somebody is my edge and my nationality the chairs are cover with a blue vinyl and the language I hear from the agent's speakers are from mandarin to polish but not spanish thou, I am here waiting and thinking...
-I remember the days when my mother used to take my brothers and I to the administration offices to received her paycheck and while waiting we play around Alberca Olimpica jumping and sporting around the huge 60's architecture for the Mexican Olimpics once upon a time. We were known by almost everybody due to mother's charm as an athlete and as the beautiful strong woman she was, our names were equal to hugs, smiles and candy. Those particular dates the sun was up earlier and giving the kind of light that besides keeping you warm used to gives you the inner power to engage with yourself against the world "molecular effect per say" ; We got up unusually early ( we were that family always running behind the bus to school believe me !
We were late to most of anybody's engagement but not this times no no ! Today we shower before Moms shout the usual three times our names, we shower and dress up while listening the hits from the radio, choose our best outfit mine ? perhaps choose by my aunt Rebeca and Pepe my brothers clothes twins like by themselves or after Mom's choice of
preference we sit for at least a fast glass of fresh squeeze orange juice a kiss by grandma and grandpa their blessings and then take off to the always radiant Mexico City letting behind our precious palace Norte 88.
These days we were lucky and if my mom was brave enough and worry less about the bills we will jump on a cab and cross happily through street markets and packed expressways listening to an always constructive conversation between mother and cabby about politics about the price of meet and eggs or about the last decision from traffic officer in closing main avenue near our destination to make us turn around and give an epic detour from the other side of the city but as the sun kept shining through populated places this day and through the taxi windows and through the smell of flowers, diesel and car interior deodorant we arrived safe and ready to rule over the impossible as a team of three little boys and one powerful tiny woman.
-Yeah...I start doubting if by looking at my phone I mysteriously miss my number ticket shout on these speakers that already make an impact to my nerve system but hey there it is ! my turn is being call so let me get my backpack and head towards my window booth ; I am asked the propose of my visit I answer the reason: I have three weeks without income. She confirm : so you want to apply ? Yes I respond and she wait an after keep on reading my information on a screen I cannot see, she look at me ask me if I am disable I say -No that I know of ! and both of us smile and laugh discretely then after two seconds and lowering her voice she ask me if I am HIV Positive ? I say - Yes.
She go back to the screen; I look through the bullet probe glass up and over her left shoulder where a bunch of document are piled up near a desk top light is stock against the wall, somebody pass walking which makes me look a bit upward where I find the horizontal windows and beyond there in the street I see a chinese restaurant marquee with the regular allegories from chinese pop marketing culture.
-She ask me in the middle of a number called by another agent - I cannot hear she noticed it and repeat in a nervous way - When were you diagnose ?
2006 I respond
She move her left hand in a queer way and ask more specifically
Do you remember when ?
March I say
March 1st ?
She try to give another example and I interrupt
March 21st.
She looks at the screen again and I go back to the Chinese marquee ; I am thinking about spring and what may spring means to most of us I include myself on this assumption but with the inclusion I notice a thick filter of emotions that could not bring a fast memory card to my thoughts so I cannot elaborate sitting here looking at her again, my mind jump from sensations to intellectual information I am nostalgic all of the sudden and think about the reason I am here
and when I ask myself
Why I am here ?
She ask me :
Are you married ?
No I say
I go back to look the office wall's color to see what can I catch to think and not only navigate my brain but to think.
She notice that I have never apply for that office services and confirm to me that I supposed to enroll every other time while I was employed and she mention something like " They always ask you to enroll as a routine...she lower lower lower more her voice to the point when I cannot hear no more..."
I go to a thoughtless moment and stare at a black piece of plastic attached to the desk where I am sitting and realized about the possibility of this conversation expose to the people at the waiting area a pair of feet behind me - she give me the reason why to come back another day very friendly explained I am serene but there is a feeling of reality discomfort.
Why I am here or even better how I arrived here ?
I assumed is something between March 21st 2006 and March 8th 2016 that somehow will be clearer and better in some kind of future.
by The Shortfellow
Brooklyn NY
08/03/16
